A few nights ago I tried explaining to someone my internal, spiraling dilemma. It’s something I’m sure lots of people go through, but I for one, like many, haven’t conquered that ground yet. There’s many reasons for topics like these to not be broughten up. It’s extremly awkward and sometimes the advice that is needed or given or the reactions that are projected or needed can’t necessarily help. Sometimes it even makes things worse. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just the way life is, right?
If so, then I might just go ahead and wave a white flag and surrender.
Because I can’t help myself.
. . .
To tell you the truth,
I am afraid.
I am afraid that I will never get to enjoy my current happiness.
I am fucking afraid by the idea that I will never get to sit down with someone and express these fears.
I am fucking afraid that I will never get to cry to someone, and I mean literally pour my heart out to someone about how scared I am that I can’t be happy… that I won’t let myself be happy.
I just want to tell someone.
I want to explain to them the pain I internally feel, the ache and choking in my throat as I hold back my tears and my loud cries and weeps.
I want to explain to them the screaming and arguing that takes places within my head because I’m constantly fighting with myself about how I can’t just ease up, let loose, smile and enjoy my life.
I just want to be reassured that I’ll be okay.
I want to be held and told that it’s all in my head and sooner or later those worries, the constant heavy feeling that I don’t deserve to be happy will fade away.
Please tell me there’s a light at the end of the tunnel…