“Do you love me?”
I catch myself asking myself that everyday and each time I have the same response.
“I know you do,” I whisper to myself.
Then why are you so sad, I thought.
I don’t know why, but no matter how many times you say you love me I have a fearful hunch that you’re just sparing me those words to save me.
Yes, save me.
Save me from what you might question.
Well my sweet, I can start off by saying you save me from the endless amount of tears I would shed if I knew you laid your eyes on someone else, you save me from the broken heart that I would be forced to wear if you ever told me you’ve fallen out of love with me, and you save me from the emptiness that I would bear if you ever left me and never came back. You save me from so much darling.
If I’m honest the reason why I’m sad is because you (it used to be me too) tend to create chaotic situations for us when all I’m trying to do is love you right. We all make mistakes, I get that, but I’m dying here. People make mistakes so that we can learn from them. Its one of our many mechanisms. But people don’t make mistakes just to keep continuing a negative pattern.
Regardless, I’m still dying.
I’m dying and all you can do is act like everything is okay and play your video games because you know sooner or later we’ll both calm down and we’ll both continue loving each other regardless of our angst. You’ll speak of sweet nothings, you’ll feed me the idea that I have nothing to worry about and then we’ll end up having sex and the next day we’ll continue like this storm never happened.
I’m dying because I love you so fucking much and I’ve become too sensitive to handle all my karma, all my adult issues and insecurities and the fact that our relationship is a little rocky at the moment. I know in a way my karmic cycle is being shifted and I deserve this internally painful growth but I do know I also deserve love and the joy and happiness that comes along with it.