Loving you was never easy.
When I first realized I loved you I was already trying my hardest to make another guy fall in love with me. That guy was someone whom I thought I really admired and wanted, even thought I needed, until I met you. That week you had just become my best friend and the only person whom I felt most comfortable with. You had won my heart over within a couple of days, weeks and months of us hanging out, while sharing the most unlikely events of our lives. We shared everything that one night, from the time we had stopped talking in high school up until the very moment where we had met up again and decided to chill for the first time in about 4 or 5 years. There was just something about you that made my heart leap for joy and made me feel home. But at the same time I experienced the anxiousness and child like wonder of a school kid surrendering to the embarrasing act of falling in love with it’s crush, apprehensive yet hopeful.
I was always giddy, always being silly around you even though I’m a very serious person in reality. My spirits were always overly intoxicated by the happiness you brought me on a day to day basis. I talked about you non-stop to everyone, even to the guy I ended up trying so hard to date. Everybody knew it, everybody asked me about it, but every time I answered I always denied it. I wasn’t in love with you. You were just my best friend. Or at least I tried to convince myself that I couldn’t be. I was too mature for you, plus I had a boyfriend and I wasn’t going to be the type to break someone’s heart just because someone else caught my eye. That guy whom I was dating didn’t deserve it. I was a loyal person, or at least I tried to be when I was around you.
Of course I would fantasize about how life would be with you and all I ever saw was us having fun, laughing uncontrollably and being the most envied couple because of how affectionate and compatible we are when we’re together. Dating you would be nothing but nights filled with pop punk music and love filled blunts. That’s what I always hoped it would be, but time changes everyone and everything. So daydreaming and fantasizing was just an illusion not a possible reality, or at least I thought.
I never followed my heart. I always felt that I would hurt too many people if I ever displeased them or acted on something that might cause pain or angst of any sort. You taught me how risky and tough it is to follow your heart, but very necessary. Which is why I immediately knew how significant you would be to my being. You made me follow my heart simply because I couldn’t stop loving you. A rebellious act against my psyche. I couldn’t be just your friend. And every time I told you that we were only friends and nothing more, I lied. Deep down I wanted to be your everything and then some. I wanted you to be the person I traveled everywhere with. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to have a great life with you, with a big family and lots of pets. I wanted to die happy with you knowing we both were lucky enough to find each other within this never-ending universe; genuinely loving and enjoying each other to the fullest.
Today you are mine; I’m still in love with you and I still want to grow old with you, but things aren’t the same. With every growing relationship, you have your trials and errors, you have your mistakes and accomplishments, and you have your “I won’t give up on you” and your “I can’t do this anymore”. We’ve experienced a great majority of these on different scales within our 3 years of being in a relationship together, yet we’re still here.
I want you my love, for a lifetime and more, but there are events and unfavorable actions that have taken place and continue to take place between you and I that makes it really hard to believe whether or not we’ll last as long as I hoped for when I first fell in love with you. They’re sides to the each of us that we are afraid of and aren’t proud to share. I’m trying my hardest to be a better person for you, but it seems so far that I’m traveling on a one way street and the right turn I’m supposed to take to get back on a normal street, to you, is no where to be found.
Some days I cry to myself and hope for you to change, and some days I give up and admit to myself outloud that there’s no possible way. But even the most stubborn, the ones who aren’t aware of their actions, can change. I’m living proof. So when I sit here and cry, and I start to write about you, I realize how much power you have within yourself to change the way you treat me, our relationship and most importantly yourself. I cry even more because I took the intiative and wanted to change for you so you can love me with ease and grant me forgiveness for all the pain I’ve caused you. When I did, it wasn’t enough, nor was it recognized or praised, or even taken into consideration, how much time, energy, and self love I put into altering my bad habits, actions, and thoughts for us. I wanted to be the best for you because that’s what you deserve especially with all that you’ve been through in your past. Till this day, I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much you really mean to me. Maybe you can say the same about me, that I too, will never know how much I truly mean to you, but the difference between you and I, is my actions are speaking louder than your words.
I don’t want to lose you, so I’ll selfishly stay by your side, quiet and patient, because I know there’s not another being who could love you and take care of you the way I do. I can only stress this enough that I feel broken people need to be loved in a particular type of way that only other broken people can reciprocate.
You aren’t like anyone else. You’re special.
And I’m going to love you for as long as you let me.