“The farther you go from where you start, the harder it is to get back…”

And then it happened.

I didn’t think the human heart was capable of such self atrocity, but my heart literally tore it’s self open and profusely bled out as it was constantly being kicked and beaten by his declamation of his love for me. This wasn’t the first time my heart has joined in on self punishment. There’s been multiple occasions where he’s spoken of such sweet nothings and it shattered my heart into itty-bitty pieces. It’s gotten to the point to where my heart volunteers herself to follow and be lured by his voice and articulation, without a worry in the world or passing thoughts. Knowing the consequences and patterns, she is careless; forever enticed by the light and frying like mosquitoes and moths caught in a bug zapper lamp.

What a mess, right?

Only to find out that those words were merely nothing but false hope and a distant dream.

I don’t know why my heart fell for his handsome smile and quirky personality every time he came around. No matter how upset or sad he’s made me, my heart falls for him quick.

I hated him for it.

For breaking my heart and making me suffer with this terminal illness. This sugar coated and enthralling ruse. We all know it.

We just refer to it as something a little less intimidating,

Love.

You taste like late night obsessions and whiskey dreams

A simple call for my name from him and I’m instantly objectified. I come running like hachi, forever succumbing to the dedication of being his loyal pet. 

I know I serve him well and I am there when he needs the ambiance of another connected human being. Even though I feel his energy is so much higher and lighter than mine, I still feel like I deserve his possession. 

How ego driven is that?

That I want to be consumed in all my entirety by his spirit? How I want him to eat me piece by piece eternally feeding his famishment of sexual desire, love, happiness, temptation, and all the other necessities that please and fulfill a human’s wants and needs?

I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. 

How can he not see that I was and always will be ready for him? 

I was ready for all of the tiny specs of imperfections hidden deep beneath his earthly, physical vessel. It only made sense that despite these flaws, it was the infinite voyages, the tales, the heart melting smiles, the daunting charm, the pop-punkish appearance, the enticing sex appeal and boyish nature, that coalesced wholly into what comprised handsome, quirky guys like him.

Only he wasn’t like every other specifically descripted guy; he was incomparable. 

And he had to be mine, again. 

My cat is sitting on my windowsil

I hate to sit here and think I’m sad.

I am stationed at the windowsil with my cat and all he seems to worry about or be fixated on is the rain drops dripping from the gutters of my house and the wet grass that’s lightly glistening as the sun sets and is forced to be kept away til morning.

I hate to think that such weather is aimed to corral such sadness on purpose. 

I try to grasp my thoughts and release them along with the marijuana smoke I inhaled a couple of seconds ago, but even then it holds onto the inner caves of my mind for dear life. As if the existence of these thoughts created something as spectacular as humanity and without it, it would change time all together. 

Nothing ever remaining the same. 

How tragic? 

For these thoughts to succumb and for my “happy thoughts” to suffice. 

3:51 A.M. and I’m laying on the couch in my parents living room staring at the ceiling. . .

Jumping from randomized thoughts, to fantasies, to possible futures and alternate worlds. 

Could I have possibly stepped foot into the abyss of the lost and forever doomed?

The hell of rhetorical questions, “what if’s”, and lost boys and girls. Where we travel to because we are completely and utterly misfit to be in a normal world to decide what the fuck we want.

The forgotten and fucked,

The Island of the Misfit Toys.

Cherry Panties. 12:00 A.M.

Last night I was supposed to wear the cherry panties you bought me a couple of months back. You expressed to me that you wanted me to make them wet and sticky, trailed by the sweet aroma of my nectar.

Just for you.

I was supposed to wear them as we fornicated under the black sky filled with white specs that twinkled faintly; like the glitter from my chapstick that escaped to attach itself to glisten onto the surface of our skins. I was supposed to wear them as we laid there, with locked eyes, becoming more than ex lovers, best friends, destroying our soft faerie skin from the harshness of the concrete ground.

I scraped my arms and bruised my knees, but every minute was worth it. I was so overwhelmed by the thought of intimacy, my body surrendered gracefully and almost without a second thought, I ignored how this might truly end.

I simply didn’t care because I finally had you again. I was apart of you once more.

And I felt loved.

I didn’t get the chance to wear those cherry panties that night, but I really wish I was wearing them now.

Doing exactly what I said I would do with them, for you.

I would die for it…

I’m at a point in my life where I want to only cherish and appreciate myself. I never loved myself enough to stand up for myself in regards to difficult and critical life situations, but for everyone else I would go to war and die for.

 Is that fair? Absolutely not.

This ends now. 

I refuse to put myself last, second or third.

I’m on a high.(not my typical Cannabis high either, something developing deep in my soul. A high my soul can only resonate with)

I’m on a mission to conquer all.

I always get pushed to the side and as guilty as I’ll ever freely admit to be, it’s my own fault. 

So with that being said I will and would die for anything I desire, lust, and need.

Simply because I deserve it.
Is this selfish? Of course.

But it’s a selfishness that has been longed and called for by Universe, my soul, my physical being, my emotional being, the natural cycles of existence and life itself. 

Something another human being(s) like myself, was unable to provide or nuture. 

I believe the time is now, I pamper and nuture my “self” back to a more balanced state of self love. 

*To the people who might take my selfishness and self love personal, you obviously don’t understand what it means to truly LOVE yourself and put yourself FIRST. Everyone needs it and some need it more than others, and whether the timing be the best for everyone or not, it’s a calling that can’t be ignored. 

So go fuck yourself! Stop being so sensitive and self absorbed and let people learn to love themselves!!!
~♡:much love, Amy-Chan:♡~ 

;D  

Natural Life Cycles

     It’s Summer and I feel like things are changing. Of course things are changing everyday, but this year, this specific part of my life has changed drastically. The crazy thing is, its not only me, its everyone, my family, my friends, strangers, acquaintances. Everyone is being affected by it. Maybe it’s a shift in the planetary alignment, maybe its my lack of awareness when things start getting tough that I’m barely catching onto what was going on behind closed doors. 
     The weird thing is its aligning with the change of the seasons. With death. With birth. Its such a painful yet beautiful process. A cycle. Something that comes around at the shittiest times, but creates a wonderful possibility, unlike any other. 

DIY adventurer!

Hello lovely bloggers! 😀

It’s been too long and I apologize greatly!

*slaps hand* Bad baby blogger! >.< lol :p

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Anyways, I’ll get way better at this blogging and time management thing, I promise. Let me catch you guys up on whats been going on in my life as of lately. Okay so where to start! So first things first I got a new job!!! Yay me!! ^-^ The really cool thing about it is, it’s a work from home job! I can totally work in my PJ’s and chiiiilll. It’s super convenient for me and I’m very excited about it.So that’s where I’ve been, partially. I’ve just been doing my work training and going home and loving on my fiance and sleeping.

Also I’ve been going through a lot of self-reflection and scanning and evaluating myself as a person and I came to an agreement with myselves (yes I meant “myselves”) that I have to change some things internally. I’ve decided this about 3 or 4 months ago already, but certain events have been occurring in my life and in my relationship to where it’s putting everything I see into a different perspective. I’m lost. Even though I’m trying to do things differently it doesn’t seem to be doing that well. It’s all a slow process though! One step at a time. I’ve just been occupied with thinking, really. About myself. My life. My Fiance. My environment. My happiness. It’s all coming to me. Piece by piece. For me to evaluate and change for the better. I just want to be happy and I’m trying. I’m pretty sure everyone is as well and I’m rooting for you all! All I want is for everyone to be happy so I’m just trying to reflect my fellow mates. Let’s all agree to just stay positive and optimistic! c:

Okay, Okay, Okay. I’m getting a little to deep, a little to quickly. But hey that’s just me! Majority of the time, sometimes I’m very private and isolated. I don’t know. Anyways, I also picked up the idea/hobby of DIY editing/making your own clothes! Which is what I’m going to talk a little about tonight! So lately I’ve been dabbing a little bit into that. I’m just really intrigued by fashion and clothes and the way I dress myself. Even though I go absolutely no where dude. Like I hardly go out. But it’s cool because that’s going to change I’m trying to be more active, as in going to different, new places and/or discovering new spots to enjoy just “me time” or peace and serenity. I don’t know, I’m planning on just GOING, ya know? I’m trying to figure out how exactly, but it’ll all tie in. LOL! Omigosh I’m like seriously adding side notes to this other reason why I have not been blogging. haha I’m so silly guys I’m sorry! But seriously there should be like side notes for blogs we post cause like, I like to add A LOT of random connected information. Okay I need to shut up now. lol


DIY Adventurer!!

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Alright! Time to tell you guys what I’ve been adventuring off into in the DIY world. Like I said before I love fashion and clothes, the shitty thing is I’m a petite girl so it’s extremely hard to find clothes and stuff that can really flatter my body so I was really thinking one day why not make my own clothes. Of course I felt intimidated at first, but I was trying to think outside the box instead of being negative. I was thinking of how much of a good skill that would be to have and how beneficial it could be in the long run. Also I could make anything and everything I want if I got really good at it! Plus it would be a badass skill to have as a mom in the future. (Oh I hope it’s soon though!! :3 ) I can just imagine my kiddos asking me to make stuff for them etc. It’ll be the cutest thing ever!! Anyways, point is I’m trying to gain knowledge of that and hopefully become really good at it.

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So I decided my first attempts would be at altering my old band tees and jeans into crop tops and frayed, distressed shorts. It’s Summer time so why not start getting my wardrobe prepared for the heat and sun!

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20160612_030514My first project was frayed and distressed shorts. I used a 2 or 3 year old pair of gray jeans I rarely used and cut them at an appropriate length to start my DIY process. I won’t go too much into detail as to how I step by step frayed and distressed my jeans because I’m going to post the link to the video I used as

20160612_030545guidance. It was a great video, very self-explanatory and easy. I followed it step by step and my shorts came out great!!! I found this video on my random YouTube search for DIY tutorials. Here’s the Link: 

DIY Frayed and Distressed Shorts Tutorial


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Okay so my second project was a crop top. I used my old Angels and Airwaves band tee, that I had bought when I was 14 or 15. It was a bitter-sweet goodbye. It hurt to cut it, not to mention I ruined it. I tried my best to even out the cuts on the sleeves but each time I tried I kept cutting more material so that didn’t work out so well. I was a little heart broken because I could see the potential of how cute that shirt could have been due to the dope ass design/band logo but unfortunately I couldn’t save it. I couldn’t even turn it into a halter top so I was a little discouraged to even try again. Eventually I gained courage to try it again because I honestly though I had a good handle on the process of it, maybe I was a little nervous or something. I don’t know, but I tried again the next day. I won’t post a pic of the disaster of my DIY gone wrong because I refuse to embarrass myself. 😛 lol


20160612_030243The third project was a crop top again. Same style as the previous project but way more successful. What am I talking about? Hella successful! That top looks real cute! 😉 I used my old Blink-182 band tee and I was really excited to see how it would come out, but it honestly came out a whole lot better than I was expecting. I was extremely worried about ruining this shirt too, but I cut the sleeves a little differently than the last shirt. I cut along the seam of the sleeve on the side closest to the collar. Just traces it. Cut the hole for the arm a little longer than where the seem ended but it’s because I wanted a little more of a “freer” look. Cut to your liking though! So yeah I’m really proud of myself! Go AMY! ^-^ Any who I’ll post the link to this style as well; it includes the step by step process into transforming your old top into a cute crop top. Found this idea on Pinterest! (of course :p) 

DIY Crop Top Tutorial


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Till Next Time Star Lovers ♥

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Mercury Retrograde

Fantastik Voyage

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Many people may not know that last Sunday May 22 we just concluded a mercury retrograde (this one fell between April 28th and May 22nd), pretty much this is where everyone who doesn’t know about astrology gets to have the experience, though not sure what it is and perhaps suspecting that something weird is going on. Associated with lost keys, late or lost payments, disk drive failures, and communication mishaps, the mercury retrograde is not known to have a very good reputation, yet there are some people that love it- if you are the creative type (like me!), or if you have a slightly tweaky mind (like me!), if you like the feeling of swimming against the current, or you might be someone who looks forward to the retrograde happening.
For those of you who don’t know about this astrological “happening,” here’s the easiest way to explain it: The planet Mercury…

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