Before souls were able to identify with soulmates and twin flames, they were blind to the reality that not every soul was given a partner. They would fly and roam the ethereal realms forever unaware that they are alone. There was no beginning. There was no end. There was just now. The souls always resided in the present. To them being one was already accomplished through simply existing. Little did they know that the mindset and purpose they were given was apart of something much greater.
I don’t necessarily know where my words and feelings will get me in life, but I do know one thing about them; you don’t take them seriously.
I can talk to you for hours on end about how I feel, my misery and undying sadness, my troubles as a child and as an adult, my likes and dislikes, my fears and worries, but like the wind, my structured phrases of expression drift away into the sky and become the rustle in the leaves of the trees.
Seems like we are dying, but maybe we’re just fine.
I crave your influence.
You make me so numb and make me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt. An easy and quick solution for whatever the day had previously challenged me with.
Hello Lovelies! I’m sure you’ve all heard about Depop before, and if you haven’t, today is your lucky day! Depop is an app you can download to purchase items of all sorts from all over the world. From vintage clothes and chic name brand items, to shoes, accessories, art and so much more! Visit my shop for more details! ♡☆
I’m just a jacket on a coat rack to you. Convenient when you’re cold but I’m not as essential because you’re warm-blooded. So a lot of the time I just hang there like decorations on the holidays, set to catch your attention to the home and look pretty.
How is it that your desire for me is only when you feel the timing suits you?
I know the seasons are changing, but even then there are rooms in buildings that are too cold, the grocery markets have over the top freezer sections, and sometimes the weather can be very unpredictable.
Life is ever-changing. Sometimes its best to be prepared for the worst even if life is going great.
Have you forgotten I’m your jacket. I can keep you warm, dry and safe.
Please don’t forget me at home.
Take me with you to your job, your car and watch you’ll start to notice you’ll need me more than you thought you did.
The use of me isn’t only during the winter and fall, though that is when I am desired the most.
I am universal.
I am needed and desired always.
Loving you was never easy.
When I first realized I loved you I was already trying my hardest to make another guy fall in love with me. That guy was someone whom I thought I really admired and wanted, even thought I needed, until I met you. That week you had just become my best friend and the only person whom I felt most comfortable with. You had won my heart over within a couple of days, weeks and months of us hanging out, while sharing the most unlikely events of our lives. We shared everything that one night, from the time we had stopped talking in high school up until the very moment where we had met up again and decided to chill for the first time in about 4 or 5 years. There was just something about you that made my heart leap for joy and made me feel home. But at the same time I experienced the anxiousness and child like wonder of a school kid surrendering to the embarrasing act of falling in love with it’s crush, apprehensive yet hopeful.
I was always giddy, always being silly around you even though I’m a very serious person in reality. My spirits were always overly intoxicated by the happiness you brought me on a day to day basis. I talked about you non-stop to everyone, even to the guy I ended up trying so hard to date. Everybody knew it, everybody asked me about it, but every time I answered I always denied it. I wasn’t in love with you. You were just my best friend. Or at least I tried to convince myself that I couldn’t be. I was too mature for you, plus I had a boyfriend and I wasn’t going to be the type to break someone’s heart just because someone else caught my eye. That guy whom I was dating didn’t deserve it. I was a loyal person, or at least I tried to be when I was around you.
Of course I would fantasize about how life would be with you and all I ever saw was us having fun, laughing uncontrollably and being the most envied couple because of how affectionate and compatible we are when we’re together. Dating you would be nothing but nights filled with pop punk music and love filled blunts. That’s what I always hoped it would be, but time changes everyone and everything. So daydreaming and fantasizing was just an illusion not a possible reality, or at least I thought.
I never followed my heart. I always felt that I would hurt too many people if I ever displeased them or acted on something that might cause pain or angst of any sort. You taught me how risky and tough it is to follow your heart, but very necessary. Which is why I immediately knew how significant you would be to my being. You made me follow my heart simply because I couldn’t stop loving you. A rebellious act against my psyche. I couldn’t be just your friend. And every time I told you that we were only friends and nothing more, I lied. Deep down I wanted to be your everything and then some. I wanted you to be the person I traveled everywhere with. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to have a great life with you, with a big family and lots of pets. I wanted to die happy with you knowing we both were lucky enough to find each other within this never-ending universe; genuinely loving and enjoying each other to the fullest.
Today you are mine; I’m still in love with you and I still want to grow old with you, but things aren’t the same. With every growing relationship, you have your trials and errors, you have your mistakes and accomplishments, and you have your “I won’t give up on you” and your “I can’t do this anymore”. We’ve experienced a great majority of these on different scales within our 3 years of being in a relationship together, yet we’re still here.
I want you my love, for a lifetime and more, but there are events and unfavorable actions that have taken place and continue to take place between you and I that makes it really hard to believe whether or not we’ll last as long as I hoped for when I first fell in love with you. They’re sides to the each of us that we are afraid of and aren’t proud to share. I’m trying my hardest to be a better person for you, but it seems so far that I’m traveling on a one way street and the right turn I’m supposed to take to get back on a normal street, to you, is no where to be found.
Some days I cry to myself and hope for you to change, and some days I give up and admit to myself outloud that there’s no possible way. But even the most stubborn, the ones who aren’t aware of their actions, can change. I’m living proof. So when I sit here and cry, and I start to write about you, I realize how much power you have within yourself to change the way you treat me, our relationship and most importantly yourself. I cry even more because I took the intiative and wanted to change for you so you can love me with ease and grant me forgiveness for all the pain I’ve caused you. When I did, it wasn’t enough, nor was it recognized or praised, or even taken into consideration, how much time, energy, and self love I put into altering my bad habits, actions, and thoughts for us. I wanted to be the best for you because that’s what you deserve especially with all that you’ve been through in your past. Till this day, I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much you really mean to me. Maybe you can say the same about me, that I too, will never know how much I truly mean to you, but the difference between you and I, is my actions are speaking louder than your words.
I don’t want to lose you, so I’ll selfishly stay by your side, quiet and patient, because I know there’s not another being who could love you and take care of you the way I do. I can only stress this enough that I feel broken people need to be loved in a particular type of way that only other broken people can reciprocate.
You aren’t like anyone else. You’re special.
And I’m going to love you for as long as you let me.
I have tripped and spiraled into a gap of time where I am non-existent. I can see and interact with the environment around me, but it all seems to lack significance. Ghostly as I am, I attempt to creep into the realm of mortal beings.
It simply can’t be—that I only exist in the presence of you.
“Do you love me?”
I catch myself asking myself that everyday and each time I have the same response.
“I know you do,” I whisper to myself.
Then why are you so sad, I thought.
I don’t know why, but no matter how many times you say you love me I have a fearful hunch that you’re just sparing me those words to save me.
Yes, save me.
Save me from what you might question.
Well my sweet, I can start off by saying you save me from the endless amount of tears I would shed if I knew you laid your eyes on someone else, you save me from the broken heart that I would be forced to wear if you ever told me you’ve fallen out of love with me, and you save me from the emptiness that I would bear if you ever left me and never came back. You save me from so much darling.
If I’m honest the reason why I’m sad is because you (it used to be me too) tend to create chaotic situations for us when all I’m trying to do is love you right. We all make mistakes, I get that, but I’m dying here. People make mistakes so that we can learn from them. Its one of our many mechanisms. But people don’t make mistakes just to keep continuing a negative pattern.
Regardless, I’m still dying.
I’m dying and all you can do is act like everything is okay and play your video games because you know sooner or later we’ll both calm down and we’ll both continue loving each other regardless of our angst. You’ll speak of sweet nothings, you’ll feed me the idea that I have nothing to worry about and then we’ll end up having sex and the next day we’ll continue like this storm never happened.
I’m dying because I love you so fucking much and I’ve become too sensitive to handle all my karma, all my adult issues and insecurities and the fact that our relationship is a little rocky at the moment. I know in a way my karmic cycle is being shifted and I deserve this internally painful growth but I do know I also deserve love and the joy and happiness that comes along with it.
I was terrible at falling in love. Even when I pretended to be perfect at it, deep down inside I always knew I wasn’t cut out for it. I think I truly started to realize this or come to this conclusion when I noticed patterns in my love life falling to facade. I feel like I was always cut short or deprived of the full ride or journey of falling in love. I was always considered “not good enough” or given the excuses “it’s not you, it’s me” or the famous “I’m going through a lot right now in my life and I need to focus on myself at the moment”.
Maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe it was the fact that that person had a lot going on in their life and they truly couldn’t handle the stress and responsibilities of being in a relationship. Either way I always put my heart and soul in it 100%. Frankly, it didn’t matter who I was dating at the moment.
You see when I dated someone I fell in love quick and hard. Outside appearances and materialistic items didn’t matter to me. So my infamous love life couldn’t have been caused by the fact that the people I’ve dated thought I wasn’t serious enough, wasn’t attracted to them or thought that they didn’t offer me what I needed. It had to be something else. Curse that demonlord. Always giving me the short end of the stick.
I couldn’t be the only one who felt like this. Suddenly Boxcar Racer started echoing through my head. Pretend it’s all okay, that there’s someone out there who feels just like me…. there is.
“Demon lord is that you?” I jokingly panicked. Nope, just my mind using its internal defense mechanism to ease my thoughts and worries.
“Blasphemy,” I whispered to myself under my breath.
Of course there were others who felt my pain and believed they were cursed with the same rotten luck as me. Knowing that always comforted me; to a certain extent that is. Either way something’s got to give.
A few nights ago I tried explaining to someone my internal, spiraling dilemma. It’s something I’m sure lots of people go through, but I for one, like many, haven’t conquered that ground yet. There’s many reasons for topics like these to not be broughten up. It’s extremly awkward and sometimes the advice that is needed or given or the reactions that are projected or needed can’t necessarily help. Sometimes it even makes things worse. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just the way life is, right?
If so, then I might just go ahead and wave a white flag and surrender.
Because I can’t help myself.
. . .
To tell you the truth,
I am afraid.
I am afraid that I will never get to enjoy my current happiness.
I am fucking afraid by the idea that I will never get to sit down with someone and express these fears.
I am fucking afraid that I will never get to cry to someone, and I mean literally pour my heart out to someone about how scared I am that I can’t be happy… that I won’t let myself be happy.
I just want to tell someone.
I want to explain to them the pain I internally feel, the ache and choking in my throat as I hold back my tears and my loud cries and weeps.
I want to explain to them the screaming and arguing that takes places within my head because I’m constantly fighting with myself about how I can’t just ease up, let loose, smile and enjoy my life.
I just want to be reassured that I’ll be okay.
I want to be held and told that it’s all in my head and sooner or later those worries, the constant heavy feeling that I don’t deserve to be happy will fade away.
Please tell me there’s a light at the end of the tunnel…